So this past Sunday I went on my 2nd same sex date. The day was a little off for the most part. I had to pack and move some more (for those unaware, I'm moving if it isn't obvious now lol), and that made the day really long. Well, later in the day, she texted me saying she wouldn't be able to make it that night. She said her body hated her and she had a bad feeling about it. I was undeterred, to say the least. The plan was to eat at a restaurant near her house and go to Bricktown for the movie. In a comforting attempt, I made a sarcastic comment of how awesome it was that I started my period, and to my surprise so had she. Is it weird we have the same monthly cycle??? So then I asked if she would go out for ice cream at least. She declined but said she still really wanted to see the movie. Because of how late it was, we went to the 10:30orwhatever showing. I dressed up because I was tired of wearing tennis shoes and grungy clothes all week, so she did too. And let me tell you, she was hott.
We decided to see Friends With Benefits; I paid for both of us and got some nachos and a drink. We enter the movie theater, and as we're walking up the steps to our seats, the heel of my high heel *somehow* got stuck on the stair. I lifted my foot to take another step but the back of my shoe did not come with me (just my toes were still in it), and before I could dislodge it from the stair, she stepped right into the back of my shoe and awkwardly fell onto my back a little as she tried to regain her balance. We immediately burst into laughter while other movie goers stared at us curiously. I was then able to retrieve my shoe and we sat down as the previews began.
As I was driving her home, I got a little turned around downtown. I ended up rolling a red light, stopping at a green light and accidentally turned left into a fire station instead of turning right to the stop light -___- I was extremely embarrassed, but she was completely entertained at my expense, and I'm ok with that 8-).  So overall, I'd say it was a success and I hope we can go out again soon.

This past Sunday was an odd day for me. I was supposed to work from 10-2 and then go to a work meeting at 6:30, but instead I just stayed at work from 2 until the meeting ended. On my drive home, Sean called me. He, being the logical one (thank goodness), decided that it would be in my best interest if I did not move to Texas with him, as previously planned. He's completely right. There's no way I could really afford to pay rent, plus my current bills, and go to school full time with out of state tuition. So we decided to break up. We're still friends, and we still get along, but it just didn't make sense to continue a relationship if we weren't going to see or spend time with each other. So later that evening while on the computer, a coworker of mine texted me that she has a crush on me. I was/am really excited about that, because we set up a date for Wednesday. Contrary to popular thought, this is not a rebound. It is instead an experiment (for lack of a better term) to see how I feel about a same sex date. It will most likely not be my last, since everyone is different of course, but as the first I really don't know what to expect from it. I do like this girl; she's hilarious and I get along with her really well at work, so I do expect that it'll go well, but I don't really know how awkward I might feel. Whatever happens, I hope a learn a few things about myself from the experience. As I've expressed to some, I feel a little like a poser, calling myself bi when I haven't actually been with a girl. So here's to a good experience and a fun time on Wednesday!

Sean has decided to move back to Texas. Yes, I'm devastated, but I will be fine and move on. He'll probably be leaving in the next month or two. I'm not really sure. I will definitely miss the asshole. He's the best guy I've been with so far... But he wants to get his life back on track and start doing something that he'll enjoy. I think he's been depressed because he's not doing something he really likes, job-wise. He wants to get back in school, too, but he's not sure for what yet.

So for now, I just have to grin and bear the pain. He wants to spend as much time with me as possible before he moves; I'd rather split now and save myself from the heart ache later. But I'll concede to him, because I honestly love spending time with him. I really don't want him to go.

My mind is in La-la Land right now, and it's difficult to continue writing, so this is it for tonight.

I'm depressed. Sean doesn't know if he's moving back to Abilene or not, and if he does, it means we're breaking up. I can't afford to move to Texas, and neither of us want a long distance relationship. I'm hoping he decides to stay in Oklahoma. But, he's also trying to pick a college major, and getting that will help determine where he will be for the next few years--either here, or there. I told him I'm depressed about it, and he said he'll know something soon. I'm taking it with a grain of salt, and enjoying the time we spend together for now. I'm afraid though that my depression will end up causing a rift in our relationship, even if he does end up staying here. I tend to withdraw and cut off certain things in my relationship with the person I'm depressed about. But whatevs. What will be, will be.

Started my new job a while ago. Can't remember how long ago, but no more than 2 weeks anyway. I roll and bake pretzels, run the cash register, count the money at the end of the night/shift, and clean up when I close. It's quite a lot better than sitting in an office and taking calls. And though my feet hurt while I work, I enjoy the work I do. It's been a long time since I enjoyed my work. The enjoyment may wear off later, but it's satisfying for now.

Well, I'm gonna play WoW now to distract myself, so ttyl Xanga.

Ok, so I got up the guts to ask the girl in my drawing class if she wanted to hang out. She said yes!! It kinda went something like this: "So I was telling a friend about this drawing class and how we do gesture drawings, and that I kinda screwed up last weeks assignment [which is a complete lie, but it works --->] and she suggested going to the mall and people watch to practice gesture drawings [partially true: she did suggest people watching, but not the drawing part. Read on --->] I was wondering if you'd be interested in going with me, or if you have the time or are even interested....[where I begin to trail off, being completely nervous]." She had a panicked look at first, which got me completely scared that she was gonna say no, but said, "Yeah, that's a great idea! But it'll have to be after spring break because I'm really busy..." yada yada. But the point is: SHE AGREED TO HANG OUT WITH ME! Although, she hates malls, so I think both of us are trying to think of some place else to go. Kind of a bummer cuz I like the mall, but I'm totally willing to concede. We thought of maybe a restaurant, but then you only get people from the waist up. But, eh... Any ideas of where else we might go? I thought maybe downtown at the bombing memorial if the weather's nice. There's always people there. Maybe an arcade? But the only one I know of is in the mall lol. Hm... there's an ice skating rink on the north side somewhere... That would be interesting! Maybe a park somewhere... I need some halp!

And... Unless I'm getting my feelings confused, I think I might be developing a small crush on her :/ That could complicate things. But, I could be wrong. Time will tell.

Well, I have an interview at a pretzel shop Friday and sent an application in for a part-time office clerk position yesterday. So hopefully between the two, I can quit my current job and be somewhere else for a while, until something stupid happens again and I have to find a new job... again. I'm really hoping for the office clerk position. It starts at a higher pay, whereas the pretzel shop starts at min wage :( The hours are also nice--about 30/wk, and from what I read, I'd sign a 12 month contract for employment, if I understood that right anyway. I also wouldn't come home smelling like food and ruining my good jeans with food stains x__x

My boyfriend put in his 2 wks notice today. His boss (a complete douchebag bitch) sent him home and said she would pay him for the next two weeks without him going in to actually work. Idk how much of that to believe, but we'll see when 2 weeks is up :/ After that, he's going back to his hometown for a week. It'll be spring break for me by then so I think I'll go with him.

Wore my rainbow pride to work today. I made a hair clip in high school with rainbow ribbon, but never wore it because I was afraid of people calling me gay. I don't much care now, and accept that I'm partially(?) gay anyway. I think I'd like to wear a bigger one tomorrow (I made several different ones actually) but we'll see what I decide to wear in the morning and if it'll look alright (fashionably speaking :P).

I think I've confused the busy-body at work who reported my hours worked to my boss for me. I haven't taken a lunch break the last two days, and when she asks if I'm on lunch (while I'm just sitting and staring at the computer, with no food in front of me) I respond bluntly, "no, I'm not at lunch," and continue to stare at the computer. Yes, I do get hungry, but if she's going to start keeping track of my hours for me, she's going to start marking down the full 20/wk to give to my boss. And my boss won't have a reason to chew me out for something I've been doing the same way for the past year and 2 months I've been there. Fucking douche bag whores. I hate working around women just for that reason. Bah, I won't get in to that again lol. I have intended to take a snack to work in place of lunch, but I've forgotten so far. Maybe I won't tomorrow :P

Oh, almost forgot about this, again: So that girl in my figure drawing class has turned out to be pretty cool. Although I'm really awkward at making friends, I'm trying to warm up to her, and I think she's warming up to me too. It's a slow process because we're both REALLY introverted and awkward around each other, but I think I can make something out of it. Talking to her about figure drawing is like talking to myself; we're kind of on the same wave. She asked me last night, "what's your favorite body part?" and while that might sound strange to most, it kind of excited me. I like drawing stomachs and torsos, and she likes hands. We both dislike knees. I'm thinking of asking her if she'd want to hang out sometime when class meets next week. Just dunno what to suggest to do. The park? The mall? Eat? Hijack a rickshaw and run down I-40 with it? Anyone got any better ideas?

I had another of my reoccurring bad dreams last night. It's the kind that I'm overjoyed in while I'm asleep and dreaming it, but I have an ominous feeling that something's just not right about it at the same time. I dreamed of Zippo again, my dead pet iguana. They're the best dreams while I'm asleep because I can be with her, give her lots of love and attention, feel her cool body against my skin while she curls around my neck, and often times I'm rescuing her from abandonment. See, I feel guilty about her death, like it was my fault, and there was so much I could have done to prevent it. I was ignorant of her needs, and too immature to understand the importance of her health. I feel like I let her waste away, malnurished, until what I suspect was metabolic bone disease took her from me, slowly and painfully.

In my dreams, I'm rescuing her from death; from cold, hunger, dehydration, and from being forgotten about. I save her, and though she still has an aggressive attitude like she did in life, I'm grateful for it. I'm glad she's no longer lethargic and on the brink of death. I keep her with me always. In last night's dream, I took her to Walmart with me. I tucked her under my coat while I did my normal shopping. Then we went for a bike ride under a warm sun. She stretched across my shoulders as I peddled down an unfamiliar street, but I didn't care where I was because she was with me, and that's all that mattered to me.

She, Frogger, and Dimi all meant so much to me. But an undernourished diet was the cause of their deaths. An ignorance of the vitamins and minerals an iguana needs to live caused them to die and caused a lot of heart ache for me. I haven't been able to forgive myself for it. I watched them all waste away, even though I did everything I knew of to help them. It just feels like I killed them. I can't let go of them. I can't forget what I did and didn't do for them. I haven't been able to move on.

While I may be very happy in these dreams, I wake up feeling very sad and depressed. This is the first time I've come out about them, and it was really hard, but I'm hoping to find solace in releasing my feelings in some way. Maybe it's a step in letting go.